As soon as I read about the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative, Mark Zuckerberg and wife, Dr. Priscilla Chan’s new organization funded by the charitable donation of 99% of Zuckerberg’s Facebook shares, I was like FUCK this guy. Obviously, I have to eviscerate him, which will take some Googling and the deep focus typically associated with misplaced vitriol, but it will feed my soul.

Why wait less than 24 hours to attack a billionaire intent on sharing his billions with the rest of the world for the supposed purpose of improving it? One of the guiding principles of my life has always been that, in the face of any idea, proposal or earnest attempt at anything, I automatically occupy the contrary position. Haha, it’s sort of my jam. Why support anything when you can decide there’s something sinister about it and let that bias obscure everything until you have what you consider proof of your initial judgement? It’s super fun, plus, it bags me tons of pussy.

Third, I really wanted to rattle the internet today. That’s also sort of my jam.


I’m gonna say what no one else has the balls to – Mark Zuckerberg got rich ON PURPOSE because he LOVES money. Boom. (Photo credit: Frederic Legrand – COMEO /

So first, I found these articles from Buzzfeed, Fortune, Gawker and The Daily Beast and I read all of their headlines. GOTCHA, ZuckerHERB. Oh, I can hear you saying, “Read the articles. They merely point to an LLC structure which has the potential to make this steady, $1B per year donation more sustainable and efficient than it would be under the limitations of a 501(c) non-profit entity.” Well I don’t need to read the articles, Zipperturd. Gawker and Buzzfeed headlines prove everything.

Next, I went to the dictionary (didn’t see that coming, didja, SUCK-her-BIRD?? hehe) and I looked up the definition of the word perfect. Perfect: adjective, /ˈpɜː.fekt/, 1. complete or correct in every way, of the best possible type or without fault. EAAHHHH!!! Sorry, Fart Smuckerderb, you are not perfect. Which also proves everything.

Last, and probably most importantly, I decided that this whole voluntarily-donating-a-huge-amount-of-money thing is just, like annoying of him. It just feels super predictable? I feel like it’s actually just super selfish? It feels really problematic, honestly? I feel like there’s just a way he’s going about it that’s very, very wrong?  It’s how I feel and guess what?? 

That proves everything.

Done. Headlines+not perfect+I feel = Mark Zuckerberg is a shit smear distracting us with philanthropy while he builds puppy-suffocation arcades and human rotisseries in his pleasure dungeon. I proved it.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.