Oh God, this is very embarrassing but I think we, as a country, need to sit Marco Rubio down and explain to him that coming in third in the Iowa caucus doesn’t mean he won. He’s tweeting things like this:

Oh no, and this is his speech about coming in THIRD:

Look, there’s an argument to be made that coming in third proves Rubio is more viable than anyone originally thought. God knows every media outlet wants to believe someone besides Thing 1 and Thing 2 will be the GOP nominee. But Rubio didn’t actually win anything and someone should tell him.

Perhaps we can take him to shoot some hoops and, in between rounds of H.O.R.S.E., explain to him the difference between winning and losing? Or, there’s a fun picture book about what it really means to come in third, like those cute books that teach kids to shit on the pot? Maybe we can make a fun animated cartoon about the difference between winning a thing and coming in third, kind of like how my parents explained sex to me?

Or maybe we can dandle him on our knee, give him a Werther’s and say, “Sport, life’s tough but papa loves ya.” Another option: We can put him in a quiet room, pour him a scotch and pipe in Kenny Rodger’s “The Gambler.” Or we could say it as a joke like “Sucks how coming in third is actually not THAT great, haha” and then look up sharply to see whether he’s also laughing or if he’s really mad and we just wrecked a good thing by being honest.

These are all options, someone just has to step up and do it. It’s just, coming in third isn’t even impressive. I once came in third in my office’s fantasy football pool and you know what I got? Nothing. Because no one cares about coming in third. Second place is first loser and third place is a thing we don’t even make up sayings about because no one cares about it. So we need to tell Marco to take it down a notch. It’s weird for everyone.

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