On the one hand, Gym Rats (GRs) are big, strong, knowledgeable about working out, and give the average Joe something to aspire to while at the gym. On the other hand, they are large, muscular rodents carrying diseases. Here is a list of tips to get as ripped as these GRs, as well as advice on how to kill them humanely.

Gym Rat Inline


Get A Workout Buddy: Having a workout friend keeps you honest in the gym. You’ll also always have someone to spot you and keep an eye out for germ-carrying GRs while you’re busy getting swole.

Asphyxiation by CO2: Simply done with household items, this is the only rodent killing method approved by the American Veterinary Medical Association. Place some baking soda into a sealed bag with two hoses attached, one leading to a funnel and the other to the sauna where the GRs will naturally be after their pump. Use the funnel to pour in vinegar, which will react with the baking soda to create CO2 that will knock the GRs out and painlessly suffocate them to death shortly after.

Super Sets: Do two movements that work separate muscle groups back-to-back, letting one part of your body rest while working the other.

Breaking the Neck: Have your workout buddy from the first tip hold a GR face down. Now, take a blunt object and place it at the base of the GR’s neck. Press down and forward as if you were shoveling dirt, but instead of planting a cherry tree for Nana, separate the GR’s head from its spinal column. If done correctly, this method is the quickest and least painful. If done incorrectly, go for reps to make the exercise more cardiovascular.

Now get off the Internet and into the gym!

Writer of comedy, un-produced dramas, and B+ college essays. Etan only has 39 Twitter followers at the posting of this bio, so follow @etanmp now to say you knew who he was before he was cool.

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