Pit bull owners have a reputation for being one of the most dangerous types of human. They have a natural inability to accept criticism of the pit bull breed, which results in over three million verbal attacks annually. If you find yourself face-to-face with a pit bull owner, here’s how to protect yourself as they aggressively insist on how non-aggressive their dogs are:
Pit Bull owners can smell fear. If you see a pit bull owner coming towards you, take deep breaths to keep your heart rate low. If the attack is unavoidable, stand still with your hands in a neutral position and prepare yourself for a long, painful, one-way conversation about how pit bulls are “actually great with children.”
Nod and Agree
To make it out of the attack unscathed, throw away any personal opinions you have about pit bulls. You’ll be forced to listen to stories about how these owners have had pit bulls all their life. They will frequently scream the phrase, “It’s not pit bulls, it’s people.” Eventually, they will also convince you to adopt a pit bull yourself, or berate you for not having adopted one already.
Distract Them With Another Person
Remember: strength in numbers. If you are at a party and a pit bull owner launches into their diatribe about how hating pit bulls is “dog racism,” loop a friend into the attack. This makes the owner feel like they’re getting their message out to more people and also increases the chances of someone changing the subject.
Here are some important DON’TS when you’re the victim of a pit bull owner attack:
DON’T Recount a Negative Story Your Friend Told You About a Pit Bull
Everyone read that article ten years ago about that one pit bull who ate a baby, so don’t bring it up. Just let it go. This will only trigger the owner’s instincts to double down.
DON’T Bring Up Michael Vick
This will send the pit bull owner into a rage spiral and will only make things worse for you.
DON’T Worry About the Pit Bull
Pit bulls are actually very sweet, despite their owners’ disposition. To calm the owner, let their pit bull get close your face to prove you don’t have any ingrained fear of them.
If All Else Fails, Play Dead
If the barrage of verbosity escalates, the pit bull owner may rile themselves up to the point of no return. Signs include a reddened face, baring their teeth, and wildly spouting dog behavior statistics. At this point, it will be best to lie down in a supine position, cover your face with your hands, and promise a large donation to the ASPCA. You will not be able to defend yourself. You will not be able to outrun them. You will not win.
(Illustrations by Emma Jean Noble)