Dearest daughter,

Yesterday, you overheard me talking to another mom about your wish that I take you to a Justin Bieber concert for Christmas. I know her reply disturbed you: “Isn’t she a little old to belieb?” That night, you asked me a lot of questions about Justin Bieber that I didn’t quite know then how to respond to. I will answer it carefully and honestly now:

Justin Bieber isn’t real. Justin Bieber is your mom and dad, and the mom and dad of every little child around the world.


Justin Bieber is a way adults teach children to “belieb” in something they can’t see or touch, like love, and God, and swag.

Justin Bieber is not one person. No one 21-year-old pop star can go on international concert tours all around the world! That’s physically impossible, even in a Lambo. Justin Bieber is many people who work together to celebrate the spirit of youthful indiscretions.

Justin Bieber does not have hundreds of workers enabling his every bad decision. When you see him in a YouTube video, he’s played by an actor, like Tim Allen. And though we’ve told you that he resides in a magical, wintry wonderland, Canada’s really not that great.


Justin Bieber was someone humans invented. In old, Germanic Europe, people worshipped the god Odin, a figure with a long, notable beard who was associated with gifts. Over the years, you can see how this changed into the figure of “Justin”: just substitute “beard” with “haircut” and “gifts” with “.gifs.”

(By the way, in case you’re wondering, yes, Usher is real, but Selena Gomez isn’t. I’ll explain this part more in person.)

This doesn’t mean you have to stop celebrating what Justin Bieber represents. Someday, when you have children, you’ll be their Justin Bieber too. Just don’t be that one Justin Bieber who was filmed saying the n-word.

Keep beliebing,

Mom, AKA “Justin”

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.