As your young Stormtrooper reaches a certain age, the inevitable questions will begin to arise: Where did I come from? How come our squadron looks different from other human families? Why do I have this symbol of the Sith Empire branded into my skin?

As his unit leader, you will be faced with the difficult task of explaining to him that he was not born into this Imperial Army, but was in fact abducted from his bedroom in the middle of the night for the purposes of being trained as a child soldier of the First Order.

sad stormtrooper

Give him time.

Experts agree that honesty is the most psychologically safe approach. Remember to speak to him like an equal, not his reigning commander. For those first-time captains, feel free to use this script as a guideline for how to sensitively explain the truth to your Stormtrooper:

A long time ago, in a galaxy which is this one, the Galactic Empire and General Palpatine wanted a Stormtrooper army. But after trying the usual recruitment techniques, they found they were unable to make one on their own. So instead, they had me and all the other Commanding Officers travel to a far-off impoverished planet to abduct you and thousands of other children from lower-class families with the intent to strip you of all personal effects and brainwash you in a specialized sub-group training module.

And what a happy day that was! I’ll never forget the look in your father’s eyes as our unit barrelled through your parched village, recklessly snatching infants by the speeder bike-ful.

starkiller base

This is your home now, sweetheart.

I know you’ve noticed that other human families are a little different. Most kids you’ve observed have one mommy and one daddy. But you’re special; you have a commanding triumvirate. So in a way, you’re lucky. You get a whole extra ruling figure to watch over you! Despite that, be prepared for teasing. Other humans might refer to you as a “buckethead,” a “clone,” or a “mindless supplicant.” Pay them no mind because in your heart, you know that the First Order has trained you in the use of artillery systems like any other infantry unit. Or just blow their head off.

There are many different ways to make a reigning empire, and just because you were kidnapped doesn’t mean we don’t want you to help us exterminate the New Republic and reclaim control of the galaxy. Your heart-home is the Starkiller Base, and Captain Phasma loves you as much as if you had been grown in her own tummy. We may not know your health records or birthday because again, we burned down the straw hovel you were born in, but what we do know is that you are the most important thing in the world to us. You and your 465,400,000,000 other “brothers” and “sisters.”

You’re a military-grade shock trooper now, but to me you will always be the little baby I held in my arms after prying you from your dead mother’s cold grasp.

Hopefully this speech will strengthen your relationship with your Stormtrooper. If not, and he starts sulking or disobeying orders like a little brat, you can always just go ahead and execute them. We’ve got plenty. Seriously. Like goddamn Tic Tacs.

Long live the Emperor.

Images via Shutterstock, Vanity Fair. Starkiller Base by Julian-Faylona/deviantART

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