– Drugs. Do all of the drugs.
– Be really into The Shins.
– Live in a McWorld where your “Hey, it could happen!” moment is that you’re a huge Zach Braff fan.
– Find a suitable make-out partner in the audience. Spend the entire movie writing each other notes on the bottom of popcorn buckets. Bring a lot of cash, probably a million dollars, so you can afford more than one popcorn bucket.
– Accidentally walk into the new Transformers movie. Stay and pretend it was written by Zach Braff.
– Bring earplugs. Bring an eyeshade. If you forget the eyeshade, gouge out your own eyes.
– Change your taste so you no longer have excellent taste but instead a fondness for bullshit sentimentality.
– Get a bootleg of the movie. Cut out all the parts that don’t involve Saul from Homeland, or as he’s known to true fans, the great Mandy Patinkin.
– Get drunk and dub over the audio with what you THINK the characters are/should be saying. Watch that movie instead.
– Bring your dad to the movie. Let him whisper terrible dad jokes very loudly throughout and never once shush him or say “dad shut up!”
– Set up a sneak screening of Tyler Perry’s new movie and invite his biggest fans. Play Wish I Was Here instead.
– Find a time machine. Do one of the following:
1. Travel back in time to the moment you were deciding to see Garden State. Convince your past self NOT to see Garden State. Your future self will enjoy Wish I Was Here more because they don’t have the post-Garden State hatred broiling inside their (your) small intestine.
2. Travel to Kickstarter HQ. Tamper with Zach Braff’s Kickstarter Page to fund the movie. Change the level of donation, so it falls JUST short of funding.
3. Travel back to the Dinosaur era. Step off the path you were explicitly told not to step off of. Realize you have stepped on a butterfly and killed it under the sole of your time travel footwear of choice (don’t wear Tevas). Return to the present, a now Zach Braff-less world. Wish I Was Here does not exist as a movie. Scrubs does not exist as a TV show. But because Scrubs was never invented, and because there is a complicated invisible system of connections between Scrubs and politics, you find that in this new present, the United States is now called “The Republic of China Light.” And also because of this Tevas are the only footwear in existence.