The following is a part of Above Average’s Cheek Week. Click here for more butt stuff.
A question I get a lot is, “Hey, am I doing this right?” and then the individual wipes their butthole while I observe their form. And you’ll be surprised to learn that, in most cases, the answer is yes. Most people know how to wipe their buttholes properly.
Once in a while, however, somebody will throw me this query and, whoa, hold on there big fella! That’s not how you wipe a butthole! So I decided to make a quick step-by-step walk through for you folks at home who may too bashful to wipe your anus in front of a middle-aged janitor.
Step 1: Put down that steel wool! You’re gonna wanna use paper for this task. Consider buying the “toilet” variety, which can be found at most convenience stores. In a pinch (pun intended!), you can use another type of paper. But “toilet” is definitely the comfiest.
Step 2: Do the deed. There’s no reason to wipe a squeaky clean anus. That’s how you get fissures! Check out my article How to Poop if you need additional guidance here.
Step 3: Tear off two sheets of that fancy “toilet” paper and lay one square on top of the other. The first wipe is always the messiest, so you’ll wanna be prepared for overflow with that extra sheet.
Step 4: Stay seated! A lotta people get all gung-ho and jump right off the can. But that’s the fast track to an overall messier job. The first one (at least) should be a seated wipe.
Step 5: Lay that double paper stack with the center right on the end of your extended hand. The square’s center should align with the tip of your middle finger. This method guarantees the maximum coverage for your little hand piggies. Let’s do our best to keep those dingleberries off the ol’ pointers.
Step 6: Now the fun part. Use the tip of that middle finger to feel your way right to the butt end of that tender gouch. Now, gentle and firm, pull that paper-covered middle finger away from the naughty bits and into the anus with steady pressure. Get in there buddy. The more contact between that paper-covered end digit and anal tissue, the more smelly stuff you’re gonna collect. We use paper cause it’s absorbent!
Step 7: Drop that paper straight down into the toilet bowl. (Take a peek first if ya like.) If you’re a European lad or lass, they sometimes spin ya a yarn about how you’re not s’posed to drop TP into the water. Ignore that, the pipes are fine. And if they’re not, it’s about time somebody gave those krauts an impetus to switch out that infrastructure!
Step 8: Repeat until there’s no more poop on the paper. This is important. If you don’t keep goin’ till the marker runs dry, you’re gonna get an inchy anus. Embarrassing! Feel free to use only one sheet of “toilet” paper as volume decreases.
Step 9: Flush! Can’t stress this enough. The very foundation of our society is empathy towards our fellow citizens. I don’t wanna live in a world where it’s the responsibility of the next guy to flush for the last.
Optional: I’ve gotten a lot of follow-up questions about standing vs. sitting and my advice is: Do what comes naturally. There’s no real solid (pun intended!) best practice for stand vs. sit. Although, as stated above, I highly recommend making the first pass a seater.
Optional 2: Some folks like to make the last one a wet wipe. I typically advise against it, as moisture in the anus (like an insufficient overall wipe job) can cause an itchy anus. That said, I’ve got friends who swear by the Final Plunge. So if you’re dead set, have at it.
And that’s it! You’re done. Enjoy the lightness of being associated with a proper post-dump anal cleaning.
Benjamin Ross spent his formative years stoking garbage can fires on the arctic tundra known as Northside Chicago. He currently resides in Washington, DC, where he earns his living bottling hot air.