My name is Michael Antonucci and I ate Beggin’ Strips for real. Not as a joke. As a legitimate snack.
“But that’s dog food. Why did you do that?” Good question EVERYBODY! Because at first glance, Beggin’ Strips just looks like a big bag of bacon you can carry around with you all day long. That sounds pretty sweet to me. And well, upon further inspection, it STILL looks like a big bag of bacon you can carry around with you all day long! It wasn’t until I purchased it with my money and put the strips in my mouth that I realized it is DEFINITELY just for dogs.
It looks like bacon. It smells like bacon. But girlfriend it does NOT taste like bacon. It tasted like lightly salted cardboard. Like I was eating a bookmark I found at the beach. It instantly dried up all the saliva in my mouth and made it almost impossible to swallow. It was a nightmare! And it wasn’t just the one. It was the same thing for the next four or five strips I ate right after that too.
I know it’s dog food. I know this. But I don’t understand how it could taste THAT bad. Dog mouths are still mouths. They have tastebuds in them just like our mouths. Why don’t dogs think they taste terrible?
Also it says “made with real bacon!” right on the package.
After what I tasted, there is no way that’s true. Unless it means some guy just stands next to a machine and eats real bacon while he watches it mix together the crap that is actually used to make this shit. I’m not an idiot. I’M NOT AN IDIOT. ANYBODY could have made this mistake. Look at this side by side comparison.
Which one is dog bacon and which one is people bacon? Can YOU tell the difference? I made this image 3 minutes ago and I’m already confused again. And hungry. And thinking maybe I should give the strips one more try. Goddammit!
“Dogs don’t know it’s not bacon!” That’s the Beggin’ Strips mission statement. That’s their whole thing. Why? Why does it have to LOOK like bacon? Dogs don’t know the fucking difference. If you show a dog a PICTURE of bacon, he’s not gonna lose his mind and start drooling. You know who would? ME! Me would! By making it look like bacon, the only dog they’re fooling is me.
I KNOW I’m not the first person to be fooled by this. And I know I won’t be the last. So please BE WARNED. There is NO such thing as easy, portable bacon for us people. It’s just a FANTASY! I’m very sorry. But it’s better to know this harsh reality, then make the mistakes that I have. I, for one, know I won’t be fooled again.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to treat myself to one of those gourmet Fancy Feast dinners I keep seeing on TV.