Recently, I took it upon myself to build an ancient Indian burial ground and uphold the tradition of my ancestors, all of whom also built and successfully ran tourist traps in the American Midwest. While I expected the rough times of an industry built on underwhelming people, what I didn’t expect was that I would accidently build my ancient Indian burial ground on top of another ancient Indian burial ground, or how confusing the results would be.
DAY 1: All of the employees’ teeth fell out. Two days later, all their teeth grew back, but in each other’s mouths. Now Zack, a 22-year-old communications major and tour guide, has the beautiful smile of my wife Sharon.
DAY 5: I have grown an extra nipple in the middle of my chest. Though uncomfortable when cold, I have found that on occasion it can produce Fuze™ Ice Tea. Unfortunately, Fuze Beverages has sued for the rights, and now owns 1/34th of my chest.
DAY 8: Food turns to ash in my mouth, and ash now turns to food in my mouth. I’m spending about as much to burn the wood as I would food, though I have yet to find the lumber that will yield me grapefruit.
DAY 20: The men have grown breasts on their rears and the women have grown penises on their hands. While dick fingers has become a popular attraction, butt boobs remains a secret between Zack and I.
DAY 24: Laughter is heard anytime misfortune falls on a resident of the grounds. The laugh seems to be that of Sir Patrick Stewart, which we all agree is eerily delightful.
DAY 25: We have no clue where Kyle is.
DAY 33: A giant hole appeared in the ground and asked us political trivia. Many of the questions lead us to believe the hole is fiscally conservative, socially liberal, and not too worried if we answer correctly so long as we learn something.
DAY 41: A poltergeist appeared and did our taxes, but barely got us any money back on our returns. He also stole my iPod Nano, unless Kyle stole it and ran away. I never trusted Kyle.
DAY 56: Men are unable to maintain erections on the grounds, though Sharon isn’t really helping with her yellowed teeth and dick fingers.
DAY 59: Gretchen threw up a live frog. She was a good sport about it and made a “Man, I’ve heard of having a frog in your throat but this is ridiculous!” joke. Which was funny, but lost its touch as she threw up 28 more frogs.
DAY 67: Lighting will often strike the ground during storms, although upon an aerial inspection, the lighting marks seem to be spelling out “Watch The Blacklist Thursdays at 9pm”.
DAY 88: Zack’s hands are replaced with fire. Due to his inability to stop screaming, he was let go. Sometimes things are just too good to be true.
DAY 92: People now sneeze bullets.
DAY 93: Pepper rains from the sky.
DAY 94: We hire new employees!
DAY 34770: The grounds are teleported into the future. The air is so clean it sterilizes birds as they fly. Water comes in pill form. War is a thing of the past and Himminominolo is a thing of the future. Diplomats who long ago made peace with the ancient Indian burial grounds greet us. They teach us their ways, and in return, we all share a night of passion. Later I find my partner to be my great great granddaughter, who then births my son/great great great grandson. I name him Zack, and return to the time I belong.
DAY 100: I sell the land at a HUGE loss.