Over the summer, I started getting these weird feelings in my stomach. After reading some articles about digestive health, I wondered: could it be gluten’s fault?

I don’t have Celiacs or anything, just after I ate bread sometimes my stomach would get this weird “full” feeling. I consulted a doctor and she said gluten allergies aren’t a real thing and that cutting carbs out of my diet is dangerous. I asked my friends and they were like “Please don’t do that.” So right then I said bye-bye to bread for a month.

Here are excerpts from the experience:

The funniest thing about not eating gluten for a month is how much you can’t stop talking about it. I’m obsessed with carbs (pasta, youse my only friend! Hahahahahahaha) so the first few days were hard. My friends, though, had an even harder time dealing with my bullshit. One of the side effects of a self-diagnosed gluten aversion is that your brain becomes unable to keep your self-absorption in check. The inane minutiae about my diet was unbearable. But I couldn’t stop! It’s like a baby. You don’t want it to come out of you, it just does.

On the plus side: I’ve been feeling a tiny bit less tired!

By day 4, I had coined the phrase “gluten racism” which knocked out Beth, Ricki, and Stephanie. But I was tired of the limited gluten-free options restaurants provided, plus the lack of carbs has made me a raging bitch. It turns out, bread is the thing that makes everyone nice.

It hasn’t even been a week and my best friends are becoming but distant memories.

DAY 10
There’s something so incredible about stepping on the scale, seeing you’ve lost 5 pounds, and calling your best friend but she’s not answering anymore because whenever she looks at a pita you call it “a personal attack.” My gluten unwillingness was taking a huge toll… BUT: those 5 pounds!!

DAY 15
Day 15 was the best I felt physically, the worst emotionally. This was the day my mom stopped telling people we were related but also the day I finally felt confident enough to slink into my bandage wrap dress. I’ve developed this quirky habit of telling everyone else they’re wrong and that cutting gluten out of your diet is the one true path to salvation. Gah, so weird?? But it’s okay. Not eating bread has filled the hole in my heart where friends go. I don’t need relationships, all I need is a saddle for this high horse!

DAY 23
Malabsorption of nutrients. Seratonin, dopamine levels? Countless linked diseases modern consumption patterns, gluten vulnerability, intestinal health. Replenishing energy levels! Prioritizing long-term wellbeing, gastrointestinal distress. Chronic Fatigue!! STATISTICS I FOUND!!!

DAY 30
All my friends are gone, and I lost 10 pounds in a MONTH! Honestly, I don’t have time for friends anyway because I’m too busy sharing HuffPo Health articles on Facebook and setting bakeries on fire.

Love and light!!

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