The following is a part of Above Average’s Cheek Week. Click here for more butt stuff.
Subject: I Didn’t Poop My Pants, You’re All Just From a Parallel Universe
Hello all! Hopefully everyone’s feeling strong and healthy! I’d like to bring something to your attention, and I hope that you approach it with an open mind.
The Mandela Effect is a theory first put forth by paranormal consultant Fiona Broome. In the theory, she states that because of a temporary rift in the space time continuum some of us have actually been transported here from a parallel universe, causing false collective memories. Some examples are people thinking that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 80’s, or that New Zealand is north, not south of Australia, or that I shit my pants during Jeremy’s office birthday party.
I know that everyone at the party thought that I pooped myself, but basically what happened is that you guys were transported from a universe where that did in fact happen, however now you reside in a universe where that definitely did not happen. Actually, in this universe Jeremy pooped his own pants at the office party. I know that may be hard for some of you to to wrap your head around, and I don’t expect anyone to believe me at first, but there are other examples.
Remember when I pooped my pants in front of you and all your families on the annual office chartered fishing trip? Yeah, that actually didn’t happen either. What really happened is that in the universe you all originally came from, let’s call it universe Brown, I did in fact poop my pants, and argue with the captain of the ship until I started crying, but everyone in the office is no longer in universe Brown, due to a temporary flare up of photons or something, and now you all reside in a universe where neither of things happened. Now obviously you still remember both of these things as if they did, but I swear they didn’t, just follow those hyperlinks, and it explains everything.
Now you may be wondering about the captain, who in universe Brown made me cry. He too was transported from universe Brown to this universe that he now inhabits, so if you ask him, of course he’ll remember, because in some other time that did happen, but not in this universe. You may also be wondering about all of the people on the dock who watched as I poop waddled from the boat to my car, tears in my eyes, and poo in my pants. These people who were trying not to pay attention to me, but totally knew I pooped my pants, are also all originally from universe Brown.
I am totally willing to admit that in some parallel universe you, my co-workers, watched as I’ve pooped my pants twice. Obviously if we were still in universe Brown I would be less inclined to talk about it. Now you may be wondering why I waited until now to tell you, well some people (like that dick of a sea captain) may say to you that I’m only now claiming this because of the recent articles about the Mandela Effect. What you have to understand is that I was hesitant to bring this up, because the minds of people who recently shifted from universe, to universe, are fragile, and confronting false memories of pants pooping is not recommended by the experts in the field. If you have any questions you can find me in my cubicle.
Simon Johnston like everyone else in the world is a New York City based writer and comedian. You can read his stuff on Funny or Die, Splitsider, and follow him on Twitter if you’re into that kind of thing you creep.