I don’t like that coyote. I never have. He’s smug, quiet, and reckless. But despite all his faults, he’s got a deep passion for murdering a flightless bird, which is something we can all relate to.

Nature works in very specific ways. Fish swim. Birds fly. Disrupters of this natural order, like flightless birds, bring our world to the brink of chaos. One time I saw a duck so fat that it couldn’t get off the ground, no matter how hard it flapped its wings. Disgusting.


It’d feel great to walk up to some of these offenders of nature and drop a piano on them, or bash their heads in with a mallet. That’d be great. It’s every child’s dream. But it’s not easy.


Not all of us can be like Wile E. Coyote, who spends all of his inheritance on materials to help him eviscerate a flightless bird. How do I know it’s an inheritance? I have never seen Wile E. Coyote work a day in his life. He could easily put in some hours as a paid intern at his local Acme retailer. Or he could take up desert farming.

But that’s not Wile. He’s a dreamer. He follows his passion, and his passion is to murder a flightless bird who likes to beep. I get it. If I could quit my job, I’d throw some money at a pair of rocket skates, too. I’d buy dynamite and crates of explosives. I’d do anything to have the opportunity to murder a penguin, emu, or lackluster pigeon. But not all of us have Wile’s resources.

Someday, it’s going to happen. The flightless bird who likes to beep will die. Perhaps he will be crushed by one of Wile’s boulders. Perhaps he will be shot by a disillusioned fan. Perhaps he will develop a colorectal illness. It is hard to tell what will kill the flightless bird who likes to beep. But one day, he will die. With him dies the hope for all flightless birds that have disgraced the natural order. Whether by Wile or not, we will make this so, just as I have done for the penguins of Happy Feet. Their feet remain happy, above my mantle.

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