This morning I stopped in for my daily delicious Starbucks concoction: a sugar-free vanilla-pumpkin, extra-foam cappy-latte, light on espresso with extra pumps. When the barista called my name I was horrified to see it scrawled across that new, godless red cup: no good Christian snow, trees, or birds. “Oh well,” I thought. “Jesus died for my foamy cappy-lattes so I guess I can suck this one up,” which is exactly what I did.
Suddenly I felt a scorching inferno engulf my tongue with a violence and fury that only one soul could hath wrought: THE DEVIL.
“Ouch!” I screamed at the cardboard, red, Devil-cup. It just sat there in my hand, steaming, like the fires of hell. Even though it pained me to dump out all 32 ounces of my SFVPExFoExPumLiteSpro Ca-La, I knew I had to. I didn’t want the Devil sloshing around in my belly all day. I especially didn’t want to feel the Devil come out of my peehole. Amen.
But, oh, once you let him into your mouth, Beelzebub stalks you like a skilled hunter. A few hours after I dranketh from the snowflake-free chalice of Methuselah, my tongue became all white and bumpy. Yes, I say unto you, Jesus: I could barely even taste my sandwich at lunch! Praise be to some spicy mustard, which was my salvation and cut through my scorched taste buds to reach my Godly heart.
The warning on the bottom of these cups says “the beverage you’re about to enjoy is extremely hot.” It should say “the beverage you’re about to enjoy is FULL OF THE DEVIL AND HE WILL RAVAGE THE FRONT PART OF YOUR TONGUE AND YOU WILL BE VERY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR 24-36 HOURS.” Oh, I’m sure the heathens at Starbucks Co would suggest that I blow on my cappy-lattey. Well, I’m sorry, you cannot blow away the Devil. And the Devil won’t let you just wait for your cappy-lappy to cool because he bewitches you with that vanilla-pumpkin fragrance!
I won’t be touching my lips to that unholy vessel anymore. I’m switching to Dunkin Donuts, whose holiday cups say “JOY,” a thing that only Christian people feel.