Wait, you DON’T know how to wash, lather, and then rinse your hands in a span of 0.3 seconds using only two ounces of water? Where were you raised, in a water silo?


People say that the next world war is going to be fought over fresh water. That’s why I’m so happy that the good people who run our nation’s airports have taken it upon themselves to decide that no human being deserves enough water to get even a tenth of the suds off of one hand in a single go-around.


I also love the fact that the laser technology is so weak that you have to do an entire dance routine to get the water re-started when (on the extremely rare occasion) I am forced to greedily get a second helping of H2O. Waving my arm back and forth for 20 minutes to get a few more droplets is basically the most cardio I’ll do that week! I’m thinking about turning it into a fitness DVD.


And then drying my hands — I love how lukewarm air scarcely oozes out of the machine weaker than if I simply blew on my own hands. It usually takes about 10 – 15 minutes before they feel merely clammy, as opposed to wet, with a line of about 40 angry, late passengers right behind me. I just look at is as an opportunity to make new bathroom friends!

So keep doing what you’re doing, airports. Keep patting people’s balls and making them wait in line for an $18 tuna sandwich supposedly made by Wolfgang Puck. Keep flying as the elegant option in travel.

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