Y’know when you blink and it’s 4 AM and you just accidentally watched nine hours of New Girl? Yeah, so it’s kinda like that, but with anal.
Basically, I was walking home from chapter meeting last month (Alpha Phi, do or die), watching the Denny episode of season 2 Greys on my phone because nostalgia, and I looked up for a sec to make sure the ugly-crying wasn’t ruining my mascara and there was this sick choker on display in the Forever 21 window. Chokers are making a quiet-yet-killer comeback, everyone knows that. I wiped my eyes and was like okay, Tiff, this is your chance to nail the casual rockstar sex-kitten vibe because you were literally five when it came around the first time. And $8.99?? Are you fucking me? Obsessed.
Then literally the first time I wore the choker to a bar my friend Brad was like, “Nice choker, Tiffany,” and I was like, “Thanks, Brad,” and he was like, “Do you think you’re hardcore now or something?” and I was like, “Shut up, Brad,” and then I took him back to my dorm and we did anal four times. Like, normally I just sip my vodka soda and text my girls about the desperate freaks who ask me disgusting questions like, “Can I buy you a drink?” but instead I was telling Daddy to slap me and take the express lane on the Hershey Highway — and meaning it. Like, what?
Then there was the time I was in the supermarket getting kale and hemp seeds and the cashier was like, “Debit or credit,” and instead of answering him, I guided him to the break room and asked him to take out his organic cucumber and ya know. I literally almost missed my bikini wax, and I never miss my bikini wax. Except this time I went in to get the wax, I came out with my asshole bleached like I specifically asked them to. Weird.
Also, like, I’ve been late to Econ like four times in the past week because I’ll be in my bathroom trying to count my nose pores when I find myself instead counting the number of guys I want to take on the back-roads to Pound Town and it takes forever. But it’s fine, there’s two other girls who started wearing chokers after they saw how chic mine was, and I don’t think any of us has been to Econ in weeks. The professor will understand.
It’s just literally so weird. Like, I was just trying to bring the 90’s back and now I’m spending $40 a week on lube. I just wanted to be delicate but daring, dainty but different, yet here I am, asking to get dicked in the derrière. My friend Mindy said something about me, “reinforcing the deep-seated societal perceptions of the hyper-sexualization of the female choker-wearer,” but also Mindy’s a cunt.
Simone Policano is half-Puerto Rican, half-editorial intern at Above Average. She is eternally grateful to the letter A for avocados and Andy Samberg. Inquiries (Business/Romantic): @simonepolicano.