As of today, I haven’t had a drop of alcohol or coffee in 10 years. I also haven’t had any sugar, apart from the natural sugars found in things like grass or garbage. Oh btw, I’m a dog.

A couple of my friends asked me to write something because I’m one of the only dogs that can write and they were like “You can help us say all the things we’ve never been able to! Like where to scratch us and that we understand death!” Instead of doing that, I’m going to write about my diet.

In the past 10 years, I have spent zero dollars. That’s right: ZERO.
Some of this is due to the fact that I have no pockets for money because I’m always naked, but I’m sure if I was hooked on the powerful chemicals in sugar, I would find a way to get my paws on some dollars to feed my addiction; I know where Guy keeps his wallet because as a puppy I chewed it all the time.


This is my buddy David. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him without a drink in his paw.


I sleep SO well.
I sleep 18 hours a day. 18 hours – imagine that! Without stimulants like caffeine, I can fall asleep on literally any warm spot on the rug and stay asleep until Guy comes home. Studies show that even one glass of wine lowers the overall quality of your sleep. If I was lapping up big metal bowls of martinis, I don’t think I’d be in any shape to run down sleep-squirrels.

Sleep-squirrels are squirrels that only come when you sleep.


A sleep-squirrel waiting for me to sleep.


I eat my own throw-up whenever I can.
Because my diet is free of toxins, I’m able to enjoy my own vomit as a nutritious meal, whenever I randomly throw up, without worrying about what I’m putting into my body. And it’s obviously delicious.

I have stayed a lean 55lbs for almost my whole life.
This is the result of clean eating (except for some occasional poop as a treat) and daily sleep-squirrel hunting.

All in all, I’m a happier dog for these “choices” even though nothing in my life is really in my control. Can’t wait to pee later.


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