People have been giving Donald Trump a really hard time ever since a portion of his 1995 tax returns showed he might have avoided paying federal income taxes for almost two decades. Personally, I don’t see what everyone is so upset about. I haven’t paid rent in 18 years, and as far as I’m concerned, that just makes me smart at business.

I moved into my first apartment when I was 18 with my friend from high school. I had gotten a job as a waitress, and I was so excited to finally be earning my own money. After the first month, I was shocked to realize that most of my paycheck had gone towards my rent. What kind of system forces you to take your hard earned money and use it for basic living expenses? I decided then and there that I would never pay for rent again.

If you want to avoid paying rent, here’s a good tip: get very good at fake crying. Every time my roommate asked for my rent check, I would burst into tears. “My grandma died!” I would sob. Or “My boyfriend broke up with me!” My roommate would get so uncomfortable that she would avoid asking rent. Joke’s on her though—I’ve never even had a boyfriend!

Eventually my roommate caught on to my game and kicked me out. But it was easy enough to find a new place, and start the whole process over. That lasted me a good 16 years. But eventually, word spread about my scheme. Thanks a lot, internet!

But a good businesswoman like myself doesn’t let a terrible reputation get in the way of her dreams. That’s why two years ago I started squatting in this abandoned mental hospital. I’ve got the whole place to myself, rent free. It’s just me, my expensive electronics and designer clothes, and the rats.

Some might say, “Hey, that’s irresponsible!” or “Are you literally insane?” But they are just jealous that they didn’t think of it first. While they’re paying for rent, I’m laughing all the way to the bank. Suckers.

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