Well, Nia Vardalos, you’ve done it this time. You’ve made a big, fat, Greek mess — literally and figuratively. For nearly fifteen years I’ve been praying for a sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the highest grossing and BEST romantic comedy of all time. Since then my uterus has prolapsed several times due to weak pelvic floor muscles. With some vaginal mesh was able to stabilize the situation UNTIL I heard My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is NOT ABOUT A WEDDING. When I heard that, my bits tried to jump out me all over again.

Oh sure, there’s a wedding in MBFGW2. But the bulk of the movie, I’m told, is about Toula and Ian’s troubles with their bratty little kid. Exsqueeze me, baking powder? I didn’t wait fifteen long years to watch my two favorite lovebirds struggle through marriage. If I wanted to watch a marriage fall apart, I’d pay attention to my own relationship. I want to see another happy Greek wedding. Maybe a cousin or something, I don’t know.

As for why this news made my uterus prolapse: I can’t say.

LOS ANGELES, CA - SEPTEMBER 24: Actor John Corbett arrives at The National Multiple Sclerosis Society's 38th Annual Dinner Of Champions at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza on September 24, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Valerie Macon/Getty Images)


My doctor thinks the mesh installation may have been flawed and my uterus falling out is unrelated to MBFGW2. But I know who I am and I felt what I felt. When my girlfriend Standra told me, “You know, I heard it’s not even about a wedding,” I felt a great rush of blood from my stomach to my head. I felt myself go dizzy and I felt a small voice inside me say, “No, we don’t want to be in this world. Kill us.”

And yes, I think that small voice was my uterus. And, yes, I think the ‘us’ are my remaining eggs. My female reproductive organs were attempting to commit suicide and I don’t blame them one bit. How can I remain an adult female in this world when MBFGW2 is here — and it’s a lie. And furthermore, I’m tired of seeing John Corbett, an absolute doll of a man, in unhappy relationships. Carrie Bradshaw did a number on that boy, now Nia Vardalos is gonna have her shot? No thank you!

In conclusion I’d like to say that I’m leaving my uterus in prolapse until Ms. Vardalos writes me up a real sequel to MBFGW. It’s messy, it’s smelly and I don’t care – just like Toula I want what I want and I know how to get it. So get to writing, Nia.

My uterus and I are waiting.

Images via Shutterstock, THR

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