Whether I am murdered at a school, office, movie theater, political rally, or shopping mall, I hope I go to American heaven after I am shot dead with a gun!

American heaven is just like regular heaven, but only Americans are allowed to go there so it’s basically double heaven. There will be a wall around the outside to keep out non-Americans and sinners, even though we (Americans) all know those are pretty much the same thing!

In American heaven, I can have Chicken McNuggets whenever I want, and there’s an entire TV channel that just plays old episodes of Home Improvement. All of my friends who have been shot dead with guns will be there to hang out, and NONE of my enemies.


In American heaven there is a treasure chest, and this is what’s inside! Oh boy!


The fact that there are still guns in American heaven won’t upset me one bit, even though a bullet from a gun shearing through my spine and lung while I was at the mall was what ended my life on Earth. Instead, I will be happy that all of the good earthly things like guns are also in heaven! All the angels of American heaven are proud to openly carry our favorite guns as we stand in line at TCBY, and because it is heaven the line at TCBY moves super fast! I will try not to get frozen yogurt on my gun.

“Bang bang!” I will joke with all of my friends who are angels like me. “Bang bang!” We will laugh and laugh, because even though we are dead from being shot with a gun, we cannot die again because we are in heaven!

The best part of American heaven is that in many ways, I don’t have to wait for a madman to shoot me dead with a gun to go there. American heaven is already a place on Earth: a place called America. Bang bang! Ha ha ha.

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