I feel bad that so many beautiful women are trying so hard to impress guys with fancy clothes and make-up when all we really want is a chill girl to hang out with. Call me crazy, but I don’t fall for the girls in stilettos who plan bachelorette parties for fun. That’s not my kind of girl. My kind of girl is down-to-earth. She might be kind of a tomboy. She might be like my best friend. She definitely has enormous yabos. Here’s my ideal girlfriend:

1. Dresses and frilly blouses? No thanks. My kind of girl likes jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t care how faded or ill-fitting her clothes are! She can essentially have the wardrobe of my best friend Derek, as long as I know that she has a couple of juicy melons underneath then I think she is beautiful.

2. Her boobies are very big. Like larger than average.

3. She can slam down a couple of brewskies just like one of the guys. In fact, she might even out-drink me and Derek! That’d be dope! It would be extra dope if she spilled beer on those Jello molds cause they got in the way of her drinking. Haha, right?

4. She basically has all the qualities of my friend Derek + with ta-ta’s.

4. D is seriously my minimum. Her gazongas must be larger than that at least.

5. She eats burgers and fries instead of those weakass salads. Burgers are fuel that keeps her zeppelins big and strong.


6. She’s up for whatever. I don’t need to impress her by making plans. She is cool to do whatever I want and what I want is to pretend her voluptuous bosom is a cloud and I am a little cherub resting in the heavens.

7. She likes the sports that I like. And the video games. And likes to play Madden on my bean bag chair just like Derek does.

8. Truly don’t care how annoying she is or what her face looks like if she has tig ol’ bitties for me to stare at.

9. I wish she was Derek.

10. HAHAHA. I was kidding when I said I am in love with Derek. Jokes! I want to spend my exclusive time with someone who is NOT Derek. Duh! Someone with a couple of real sweater stretchers for me to latch on to and honk til the cows come home.

So that’s really all I want. No high-maintenance drama, here. Just a laid back time motorboating a couple of big ol’ funbags. Oh and if she has a man-bun like Derek does, that would be cool, too.
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