I lost my job. I lost my home. I lost Jude, the only man I’ve ever loved. And finally, I lost my mind. But all of those things were lost in pursuit of the most noble of goals: Actually keeping up with the Kardashians.

See, the Kardashians move pretty quick. They zig when they should zag, they set picks and traps and keeping up with them is PRETTY hard – ya can’t have a lot of baggage weighing you down. But I’ve kept up with them all these years, flanked them and figured out alllllllll the secrets. For the first time anywhere, I’m sharing all my evidence here. Evidence of what you might ask? If ya gotta ask, you’ll never know:
Let’s start at the top. Kris Jenner was formerly married to Robert Kardashian, an attorney for OJ Simpson. OJ was best friends with Kato Kaelin, the world’s very first Airbnb guest. Airbnb is a technology company, technology leads to Bill Gates and all ‘Gates’ lead to the truth. See?

It doesn’t stop there. Robert Kardashian Jr. is dating Blac Chyna (the same CHINA who is buying US debt at a horrifying rate? You tell me). Blac Chyna is rapper Tyga’s baby momma and Tyga is now dating Kylie Jenner, the littlest of all Jenners. Blac Chyna is BFF with Amber Rose, ex-GF of Kanye West who is married to Kim Kardashian, mother of NORTH WEST. Where is China in relation to Calabasas? Uh, NORTH WEST, do you follow? Try and keep up.

Scott and Kourtney named their kid Mason. Hello, do I need to spell it out for you? The Freemasons as in the people who color every single dollar bill green, the color of GRASS? Do you see where this is going? You don’t need two eyes to see the truth because hey-nonnie-nonnie, justice is a blind old bitch, just like Lady Liberty.

It doesn’t stop there – if you think Pope Francis and Barack Obama aren’t caught up in the tangled web of sex and power that Kris Jenner has woven from silk Ryan Seacrest made, you are WRONG. Everyone is involved, no one is innocent. Check the diagram.

Maybe this is too much for your un-woke brain but, hey, it’s the truth. It took a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of Adderall to get here but now that I’m here, I wouldn’t change a thing.

As if I could.

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