Dear Weight Watchers,

First off, thank you, my new healthy lifestyle ensures I’ll be around to watch my daughter grow into a beautiful woman. Second… Umm… someone is still watching me?

It’s just– when I signed up I didn’t realize “Weight Watchers” referred to middle-aged men you send to watch everything we consume. I’m not saying the silent man wasn’t good at his job. He was very professional. He’d watch me packing my lunch and make a disapproving grunt when I reached for a cookie. He kept me true to my goals with his dead eyes. Even when he glared at me through those binoculars at the gym, it was deeply unsettling… but it made me run faster!

I’m at my goal weight now, and I’m writing to ask how I return him to you? Do I have to drop him off at a brick & mortar location OR can I put him on a bus or something? Is mailing him out of the question?

WW logo via WeightWatchers

A lot of my friends are saying, “That’s NOT something Weight Watchers does, Karen! Call the police! I’m on my way to your house RIGHT NOW!” ALSO, when I go on your website or watch your commercials, there is no mention of the weight watchers and how to return them. Even when I called your company at the end of the 6-month program, the woman on the phone really didn’t understand, “Wait… a man is watching you eat?… What do you mean? I’ll get my supervisor right away.” She must have been new or something.

I will continue to follow the lessons that you and the weight watcher taught me, I would just like to be able to sleep at night. He has this upsetting method where he taps on the outside of my third story bedroom window at all hours of the night. Does it get my heart rate up? Absolutely. It also scares the shit out of me.


Mary Ann McScrufferson

Image via Weight Watchers

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