This morning, Soylent, the meal-replacement drink developed in Silicon Valley, released our second version of the white, viscous liquid, called Soylent 2.0. I, the creator of Soylent, am here today to promise you that Soylent 2.0 is not cum.  There’s a lot of great stuff in Soylent – protein, vitamins, algae – but there’s definitely no cum and it’s absolutely not made of 100% cum.

When you pour Soylent 2.0 into a glass and tip it back too far and a little bit dribbles down your chin, you may think, “Woah, that sure looks like cum,” but it really isn’t. Cum, that is. That’s not what makes Soylent 2.0 the off-white, slow-dripping, shiny stuff that looks just like cum.

Think about it: how would we even collect enough cum to fill millions of bottles to ship to you for $29/month’s supply? By retrofitting hundreds of industrial vacuum cleaners with carefully developed penis-nozzles and attaching them to young, cum-filled men in the Bay Area who answered an ad on Craigslist promising them $200 for three-hour’s work?? Well, we definitely did not do that, so that proves that Soylent 2.0 isn’t all that cum that we collected. Which we didn’t.


Also, lots of people know what cum tastes like, so how would we conceal the flavor?? It’s not like we have access to a wide variety of nuanced food flavors that we can just drop into a batch of cum to cover up the cum taste. I don’t even know what restaurant supply store downtown you would buy that from.

Okay, let’s say, for argument’s sake, that Soylent 2.0, which people are gulping down as perfect little four-hundred calorie meals, is cum, which it’s not. It would still be pretty nutritious. Cum contains protein, calcium, magnesium and zinc, so, not a bad lunch! In fact, if someone were to take a sample of Soylent 2.0 and bring it to a lab where it was tested and it turned out that it was cum, I bet that lab could also tell them about all the nutrients in cum. But luckily, that’s not what’s going on with Soylent 2.0. Even though it would be no biggy if it was.

So join the future! Order up a batch of Soylent 2.0, put it in your refrigerator, and enjoy it over ice! Or you can have it warm – in fact it starts out pretty warm, so it tastes freshest that way. But it’s not cum. “Soylent green is people!” but Soylent 2.0 is definitely not three hundred million pre-people swimming rapidly in a river of prostatic fluid which you can eat instead of cereal.

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