After hearing about Shreddies, the British brand of underwear that filters the smell of your farts, I wanted to know if they really worked. So I put on a pair, hunkered down with a big bowl of beans and cabbage and walked around seepin’ out hot stinkers all day. Here’s what I found.
I started in the break room, where Matt, my coworker, was pouring himself a fresh cup of coffee. I snuggled in close to Matt’s cup and made a crazy fart. I was certain that he was going to smell it, scream bloody murder and pour hot coffee all over himself, but he just went ahead, inhaling the rich aroma from his Colombiano Supremo. If only he knew he was inhaling thick billows of fart.
I used my farts to propel me across the office to Melanie’s desk. Melanie keeps flowers near her because she likes nice smells, so she particularly doesn’t like the smell of farts. I opened the barn door of my butt and let the fart-animals out to pasture. Old Mel didn’t notice a damn thing! These fart-pants really do the job! Then Melanie noticed me standing with my butt to her and said, “What are you doing?” So I was like “Uh, what are you doing?”
Next I moved over to the cafeteria and stood by the buffet. Now, this is usually my go-to fart spot because I can use the wafting smells from the buffet meats to conceal my farts. I can still pick out the farts from the meats, though, because I know my own fart smell. But today I shot farts like a fire hose and all I smelled was old meats. Then I ate lunch.
The bathroom I guess is the place where everybody farts but I didn’t even go into a stall. I perched my little gas-hole over the sink that people use to wash their hands and filled it with farts.
By this time I was starting to worry about the amount of farts that I had stored up in my Shreddies and wondered if there was a noxious cloud of methane eating away at my entire genital region. So I went outside for some fresh air to poison with the fart sack I was wearing.
I found a bubbly little fountain that reminded me of the neverending fountain of farts bubbling out of my butthole and stood near it. I no longer even had to think about farting since, at this point, I was just letting them rip through my buns willy nilly.
Finally, I went to the gym for my usual workout but instead of exercising I farted into the elliptical’s cup holder and held my hand over it. Then I smelled my hand and it smelled like sweaty workout stink but no farts. That got my heart rate up!
Well, that’s it. I gave these little stink diapers a full test and they are fart-proof. You can cut, slice and rip the smelliest dunks – nothin’s gettin’ out. Just one thing – Shreddies do not cover up the sound of your farts. So, yeah, everyone knew I was farting because of the honking fart noises.
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