Yeah, fine, technically, I’m a turtle smuggler. I got arrested. They claim I tried to bring 51 turtles over the border in my pants to “ship them to China and make heaps of money off them.” Yeah I know I put that in quotes even though no one said it. Consider it air quotes.

Well guess what, buckos, you’re dead wrong. Deader than three of those snapping turtles who didn’t make it.

See, you think that because I tried to smuggle turtles to Canada I must be up to no good. That I must be intending to do something illegal with them. Well, I’m not. I have 51 children, and each one of them was going to get a turtle for Christmas.


Wouldn’t this make a great gift?! (via

Look, my family loves turtles. My kids’ favorite TV show? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Our favorite meal? Turtle soup. Our favorite Entourage character? You guessed it, Ari Gold. We like Turtle, also.

So it comes time for Christmas, I have a brilliant idea and the feds gotta go ruining my party. How much does a guy with 51 kids gotta do to smuggle a coupla turtles in his pants? I mean really. They’re MY pants. It’s not like they’re federal pants. And they’re mostly SNAPPING turtles. So really, the risk is all mine. Do you Americans even understand the spirit of Christmas?

You'd think these little guys don't bite, but trust me, they do. (via

You’d think these little guys don’t bite, but trust me, they do. (via

And now what am I gonna do for my kids, huh? You’re gonna put me in some American prison while my kids get no turtles? That’s not the American dream, I’ll tell you what.

If I were you, I’d vote for Trump. He wouldn’t stand for this. He’s got your back. Because if anybody knows what it’s like to make an honest buck smuggling turtles, it’s him.

You think this guy hasn't sold his share of turtles? (via

You think this guy hasn’t sold his share of turtles? (via

Between you and me, all this turtle smuggling, it’s only the beginning. This thing goes all the way to the top. Have you ever asked yourself WHY the price of snapping turtles is so high in Canada and so low in America? Maybe now is a good time to ask. Maybe now you people will find out that the evil turtle lobby is run by someone whose name rhymes with Shmilary Shminton. Maybe now, you will do what you have to do to make America great again. 

Ow, fuck, I still have one in my pants and it just bit my dick. BRB.

*This essay has been paid for by Citizens for Donald Trump and a Better America

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