Apparently, people are absolutely shocked that “amazing businessman” Donald Trump lost $916,000,000 in one year.

But is it really all that impressive? Turns out, if you’re motivated, you can lose that much money in a single weekend. I know, because I did it!

Proving all the haters wrong.

Proving all the haters wrong.

First off, Trump lost that paltry sum way back in 1995. Adjusting for inflation, I figured I would have to lose at least $1.45 billion today in 2016 in order to match his feat.

Now, in order to LOSE money, you need to actually HAVE money. So I was going to have to either make $1.45 billion dollars (minus the $2,000 I already have in my checking account, boo yeah!) or ask an already-existing billionaire to stake me.

Hey, Mark, I got a proposition for ya...

Hey, Mark, I got a proposition for ya…

I called Warren Buffett, Carlos Slim, Paul Allen, and Mark Zuckerberg. None of them seemed interested in helping me with my social experiment.

So instead, I watched every heist movie I could get my hands on and figured out how to rob an Atlantic City casino. For security purposes, I won’t say which one. But it used to be owned by Donald Trump. That’s me cleverly “signing my crime.”

Me watching Ocean's 11.

Me watching Ocean’s 11.

So I stole $49 million from that casino vault. (I’ll explain how in my next first-person essay.) I then took that money right back into the casino and put it all on the number 7 in roulette. I had already rigged the roulette wheel days earlier for a separate social experiment.

Paying out at 30 to 1, I had all the money I needed. Now all that was left to do was lose it.

So I bought a business I was passionate about: an ice cream store near my house. The store’s lawyers said that $42,000 would be a fair offer for the business and its contents, so they were surprised when I countered with $1.45 billion dollars. Fortunately, they accepted!

What a sucker.

What a sucker.

To celebrate, I ate a bunch of ice cream. This was the most fun part of the weekend!

Then, I sold the ice cream store back to the original owner for a cool $50,000. Mission accomplished! And I don’t even have to pay taxes for like the rest of my life!

Paying taxes is for chumps.

Paying taxes is for chumps.

Sure I’m only 31, but by replacing my entire diet with ice cream, I doubt I’ll make it much past my mid-40s.

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