Apparently, people are absolutely shocked that “amazing businessman” Donald Trump lost $916,000,000 in one year.
But is it really all that impressive? Turns out, if you’re motivated, you can lose that much money in a single weekend. I know, because I did it!
First off, Trump lost that paltry sum way back in 1995. Adjusting for inflation, I figured I would have to lose at least $1.45 billion today in 2016 in order to match his feat.
Now, in order to LOSE money, you need to actually HAVE money. So I was going to have to either make $1.45 billion dollars (minus the $2,000 I already have in my checking account, boo yeah!) or ask an already-existing billionaire to stake me.
I called Warren Buffett, Carlos Slim, Paul Allen, and Mark Zuckerberg. None of them seemed interested in helping me with my social experiment.
So instead, I watched every heist movie I could get my hands on and figured out how to rob an Atlantic City casino. For security purposes, I won’t say which one. But it used to be owned by Donald Trump. That’s me cleverly “signing my crime.”
So I stole $49 million from that casino vault. (I’ll explain how in my next first-person essay.) I then took that money right back into the casino and put it all on the number 7 in roulette. I had already rigged the roulette wheel days earlier for a separate social experiment.
Paying out at 30 to 1, I had all the money I needed. Now all that was left to do was lose it.
So I bought a business I was passionate about: an ice cream store near my house. The store’s lawyers said that $42,000 would be a fair offer for the business and its contents, so they were surprised when I countered with $1.45 billion dollars. Fortunately, they accepted!
To celebrate, I ate a bunch of ice cream. This was the most fun part of the weekend!
Then, I sold the ice cream store back to the original owner for a cool $50,000. Mission accomplished! And I don’t even have to pay taxes for like the rest of my life!
Sure I’m only 31, but by replacing my entire diet with ice cream, I doubt I’ll make it much past my mid-40s.