Online dating, blind dating, Grandma’s recommendation- you name it I have tried it all in the name of love and nothing has worked. I took a leap of faith and finally went out on a romantic date with a Rodent who has been courting me for YEARS. After this experience, I will never look back.
Frist of all Rodent lives right in my neighborhood, like so close, like in my outdoor trashcan in my backyard. It is SO nice to date a local. I commuted for years with my Ex- and by the time we finished dinner I would have to turn back around and go home. Rodent arrived exactly at 7pm and we never felt pressured for time-what a luxury.
I admire this Rodent’s consistency. Rodent has been camping out in my garbage for years, clearly in it for love. His consistency and dedication reminded me of a Jane Austin novel. I was smitten.
Unlike other dates Rodent chooses his own path, and then chews an actual path. I stood there with the door open but Rodent entered through a hole he had made in the basement. A real independent. Finally a date with some initiative.
Rodent had a playful side that was so refreshing. Never taking the date too seriously. Half of the night I didn’t know where Rodent was. It was a new kind of foreplay I had never experienced, I was always on my toes, and he had all the control. I can’t wait to see where this goes!
He made a nest out of my hair and toenail clippings within 15 minutes of being in my home. Not only did Rodent just take charge, he wasn’t afraid to share my space. This was a new kind of intimacy and commitment I have been craving. And don’t even get me started on the hairball craftsmanship- exquisite. If I could only take one thing with me on a deserted island- it would be this Rodent!
Then the night got really steamy. I couldn’t wait any longer, (confession – my nick name in college was Slutty Salami) I pulled out a condom and Rodent practically squealed with joy! Finally a date happy to use protection, no moaning or eye rolling. And before I had a chance to put on an Alicia Keys album, Rodent ate the entire condom.
We enjoyed some heavy petting, some more than others. And then within a blink of an eye I was alone. Rodent ran out of my house without even saying goodbye. I usually hate it when my date disappears but this one kept me wanting more (like all bad boys).
Verdict: I can’t wait to see him again. I am trying not to be too desperate. It is super easy to run into Rodent, so I am only throwing out my garbage every two weeks. Sure my house smells, but true love is WORTH IT!