What if movies were real, right? But honestly that would be really helpful right now because I’m 100% sure my dog is trying to kill me.

The movie in question is the Tom Cruise blockbuster, Minority Report. The movie as we all know, featured precogs, which could predict future crime with their mind powers. I know we know all this but I need to remind ignorant people, OK? So, assuming precogs can predict future dog crimes (or maybe they have dog precogs, that would have been explored in the sequel), I could use them to save myself from certain death.

As for why I haven’t gone to the regular police? Because I have no evidence, it’s a future crime! I’m not currently dead after all and the police said I can’t call them anymore. As for why I think my dog wants to kill me? Well, I took away all of his balls because they were gross and covered in slobber. I also took away his bed because it was covered in hair. I also took away his food. And his water just cause. I’m going to give it back but I’m on the couch right now and the Minority Report is playing on HBO again and I’ll do it when I’m done but now the dog is growling and showing his teeth and readying himself to pounce.

Wish me luck, I guess.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.