As I walked through the grocery store, I knew I could no longer remain silent.

As I paid for the family-sized box of Keebler Chips Deluxe, I knew I had to do my part.

But it wasn’t until I had housed my 11th Fudge Stripes cookie that I finally took action.

Beginning right now, I refuse to stop eating Keebler-brand cookies until their hardworking Elves are finally paid a living wage. I’m calling it the world’s first Satiation Strike.

These Elves are forced to live in miserable conditions up a tree, separated from their families, making batch after batch of ungodly delicious cookies that — hold on, I’m having something of a foodgasm right now. Honestly, something kinda magical happens after polishing off your fourth straight bag of Soft ‘n Chewy. Whoa, the flavors. There’s a symphony on my tongue right now.

Will we get justice? Probably not. Have I given myself diabetes? Time will tell, but yes. Do I have time to start a rally? No, because my carpet is covered in crumbs right now and social crusading is not an excuse to live with ants.

Wait, what were we talking about? Between the cookies and the ants, I don’t really have time to finish wri

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.