Hi, Internet – Idris Elba here. I wanted to let you all know: I’m not dead! I assume everyone must think I died – that can be the only explanation for any other man winning Sexiest Man Alive. The editors of People must have thought I was dead and were like “Can’t pick him! It’s sexiest man ALIVE.” Surely, had they know I am still alive, I would be gracing the cover of People this week. Because this is me in a tux:

And then this is me in sunglasses:

And, hey, I can let loose too. Here’s me being pretty loose but also, note the gray in my beard. Right!? I mean holy shit. Sometimes I’m even like “I’ve gotta tone it down” but I can’t. I’m made of talent and swagger and sex.

Also I’m stupidly talented. I was in a little show called THE WIRE, ever heard of it? People shame each other for not seeing this show and I’m so great in it. I’m even great in movies I’M NOT IN. Someone made a re-cut of the Spectre trailer with me instead of Daniel Craig and it’s GREAT.

So yeah, I am very much alive and very much the sexiest. I’m happy I could clear that up for my friends over at People. I’ll be expecting a revised copy of the Sexiest Man Alive issue in my mailbox next Thursday. And, in conclusion, I’d like to say:

Jackie is a writer/actor whose work has appeared on SyFy.com, Fusion and Funny or Die. She performs every Saturday with GOAT at the UCB Theater in NY. Follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie or in real life if you’re a peeper ‘n’ a creeper.

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