draperhulkDon Draper would be The Hulk
Self-destructive and troubled, but the most valuable member of the team and often the secret to success. Not to mention the name similarities: Don Draper sounds a bit like Bruce Banner, and they both start out with women named Betty. Oh, and where did they get their powers? The military? Right.

sterlingstarkRoger Sterling would be Iron Man
Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist. And they both like to bang secretaries.

joanwidowJoan Harris would be Black Widow
Red-headed bombshell? Constantly subjected to ‘60s-era sexism? Secretly a super-valuable member of the group? Check, check and check. Just like Natasha Romanoff, Joan has a past she’d rather leave behind

peteamericaPete Campbell would be Captain America
Literally the most American person ever. Entitled, spoiled, always thinks he’s in the right, says things like “christ on a cracker” and “jiminy Christmas”. Separated form his beautiful dark-haired lady love…also in Cap’s case it was being frozen for decades that broke them up, whereas Pete is just a womanizer.

tedhawkeyeTed Chaough would be Hawkeye
A team player with a complicated relationship to his teammates. He’s part of the group, but kind of not part of the group. Much like Hawkeye, Ted will never merit a stand-alone film. But when the gang gathers together, you’re glad he’s around.

mccannthorMcCann-Erickson would be Thor
Comes in from out of nowhere to either help save the day or fuck everything up. Like, thanks for making everyone more rich/powerful with your money/hammer, but also your dickishness/Loki is something the gang could have done without.

cosgrovefuryKen Cosgrove would be Nick Fury
Eye patch!


meganhillMegan Draper would be Maria Hill
Beautiful, talented, smart…what purpose she serves, exactly, we don’t know. But she’s there and we like her. And she’s Canadian!

lanecoulsonLane Pryce would be Agent Coulson
The nay-saying pencil-pusher who was so much more. Until he died in front of everybody. RIP.

peggywandaPeggy Olson would be The Scarlet Witch
First, the Olson/Olsen thing. Second, they are both bad asses. Third, she gives people visions. Like in advertising. She is the future.

rizzoquicksilverStan Rizzo would be Quicksilver
The Scarlet Witch’s best friend! He’s cute, he’s cool, he’s not, like, strictly necessary, but he’s fun to watch.

bettyspideyBetty Francis would be Spider-Man
Everyone thinks they’re not part of the team, but they are. They’ve secretly been doing their own thing in Rye/a different franchise, but may soon join the main team and you’ll all be like, of course Betty/Spider-Man is important! Why would I doubt how nuanced and interesting Betty/Spider-Man could be? Betty/Spider-Man’s love life is interesting and Betty/Spider-Man is doing the best they can.

 

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