Donald Trump has suggested the government revive a program Eisenhower ran in the 50s called “Operation Wetback” that would deport 11 million illegal immigrants.

Yeah that was its ACTUAL NAME.

The entire idea is obviously racist, stupid and, you know, not logistically possible. But I agree with The Donald on one point – America has a bunch of people we should get rid of. He’s just wrong on who to boot. Here’s some people I would propose for immediate deportation:

  • Donald Trump. How did you not see this one coming.
  • Jared Fogle
  • Josh Duggar
  • Really anyone whose diet is primarily Subway
  • Parents who laugh when their kid acts like a turd on the subway
  • Parents who let their kids ride scooters inside stores
  • Parents who are like “What kind of cheese do you want us to buy, Sophia?” when I’m in line behind them at the deli and I KNOW what kind of cheese I want, Sophia.
  • My downstairs neighbor’s loudest dog. Digby. Digby is… so… loud.
  • Most of my 6th grade class at St. Vincent Martyr Catholic School
  • 13 year-old boys.*
  • Scott Disick**
  • Any waiter who asks me if I’m ‘splitting’ with anyone. I’ll alert you when I’m splitting.
  • People who have already seen Hamilton more than once. Leave some seats for the rest of us.
  • Men who wear only speedos to yoga
  • People who have hair so long it just, like, brushes up against you when you’re both on the elevator
  • People who lean over the sneeze guard at Chipotle. What are you trying to see? It’s SALSA.

And of course…


*The boys can come back when they are 35 OR can confidently explain the difference between tampons and pads. Whichever comes first.

** I am doing this to protect Kourtney Kardashian so I guess maybe throw me on the list too?

Jackie is a writer/actor based in NYC. She performs on Harold Night at the UCB and with her sketch team DR DJ. You can follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie.

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