A lot of colorblind football fans really struggled with last night’s Jets/Bills game. Both teams were wearing their Nike ‘Color Rush’ uniforms (solid green for the Jets and solid red for the Bills). Apparently in the NFL one team normally wears a color and another wears white? So these uniforms made it super hard for red/green colorblind people to distinguish between the two teams. Fans were real butt hurt and tweeting about it:

Well, everyone can stop freaking out. I see color perfectly and I still didn’t understand last night’s game!

It started with a bunch of really large men in tight Christmas PJs brutally pushing and shoving and occasionally throwing a ball. That happened for about two hours. Every 3 minutes there were car commercials, jeans commercials and I think there was one for The Voice? Anyway, it was a lot of pushing from the men in unitards.

Here’s the thing: Sometimes the pushing was ok and sometimes the pushing was not ok. When it was not ok a Foot Locker salesman would throw a napkin at everyone and be like “Excuse me, that pushing was NOT ok” and I was like “No wonder there’s so much domestic violence in the NFL, they need those napkin men to tell them what brutality is ok and what’s not!”

Image via Pixabay

Image via Pixabay

Then after about 2 hours of the pushing, a red person threw the ball to another red person and that second red person kind of dropped it. That seemed to matter a lot and my boyfriend kept saying “Oh, man!” Then he called his brother and was like “Blah blah blah fumbled deep in Bills territory blah blah Am I on speaker? Just call me when you get home.”

Finally the red people kicked the ball through the peace sign poles at the end of the field and I guess that meant things were over. The game ended and the green people seemed sad/mad so I guess they lost. Sorry, green people!

My boyfriend was happy even though I thought he was a green people fan and I was like, “Dirk, since when do you even like football?” And he was like, “Well I have the Bills something-back on my fantasy team and he had a great game.” And I was like, “Uh ok, I’m gonna go lay down and read Game of Thrones. In the books, Jon Snow is a warg!”

And then we fought a little because he considered that to be a spoiler and I maintain it’s not a plot point just a character detail. Also, of course Jon Snow’s a warg, Bran is a warg and that shit is always genetic.

Image via shutterstock

Image via shutterstock

So yeah that was the game from the perspective of someone who can see color – still deeply confusing! I should maybe note, my knowledge of football begins and ends in Dillon, Texas. If Eric Taylor isn’t the coach, I truly do not care. Football is a brutalizing, straight-up boring fabrication of American advertising. It’s something to show in between commercials for Dodge Wranglers and Kohl’s. But, sure, being colorblind was why last night’s game sucked.

Jackie is a writer/actor based in NYC. She performs on Harold Night at the UCB and with her sketch team DR DJ. You can follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie.

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