Me? Diaper? Wearing? I have no idea what you’re talking about. Perhaps these particular pants shrunk in the washing machine, and that diaper smell is coming from outside the room. Whatever the source of this visible tightness through the seat of my pants, it’s certainly not a diaper, so let’s all just move on.
If everyone would just refocus their attention back to their phones, or the conversations they were having, or whatever they were doing before attention was called to the muffled crunch of plastic and padding coming from my hips with every step I take, we could all move past this insane suggestion that I am wearing a diaper to work today. For neither medical reasons nor the plain truth that I like the way it feels, I have explained that I am not wearing one, so let’s all have that be the end of it.
Which is, of course, to say that if everyone would like to look at my recent bank card activity via the app on my phone, you’ll see that no purchase was made at any local pharmacy for the amount that diapers cost, not that I even know what number that would be off the top of my head.
$5? $30? No good guesses from me, the not-wearing-a-diaper guy.
Yes, there have been some purchases made at the grocery store, but as a person that does not wear diapers for medical reasons nor convenience or pleasure, I should literally be the last person you ask about whether or not the grocery store sells diapers. People are allowed to eat, and the fact that I have used my bank card at the grocery store in the past while sporting a visible bulkiness beneath my blue jeans this moment is no proof that I am currently wearing a diaper. Let’s all just move on.
“Hmm” you muse, wondering if I keep a separate, pre-paid credit card tucked behind my ID in my wallet to use exclusively for diapers and other such purchases in the pursuit of some sexual adult-baby lifestyle. Well let me be the first to tell you that the answer is “no.” I most certainly do not haunt the aisles of Buy Buy Baby pretending to be a new father while in fact shopping for accessories to make all my depraved, private fantasies come true, the most tantalizing of which is wearing a diaper out in public for the very first time except now it is backfiring as everyone can tell that I am wearing a diaper. Get real, dude. Let’s talk about something else.
Anything else. Please. I beg of you. Let’s all just move on. I’m not wearing a diaper.