Guys! I found the BEST place to catch Pokemon. All I had to do is walk right into a lake.

True story: I saw a Pokestop up ahead, and just bee-lined it. Soon I realized my head was fully submerged, and THEN I noticed I was underwater. But I must catch them all. So I kept hunting for Pokemon in the lake, and boy oh boy, is it worth it.

Once underwater, I just walked straight past this weird pile of old bones (human?), and then kept going right down to the bottom. About forty-five feet. While I was walking, there was little Rattats and stuff all along the bottom of the lake, which is all mud and garbage and ruined my shoes.

Okay, I’m really running out of breath, but once I hit bottom, WOW! There’s like thirty Zubats down here! THIRTY Zubats. I don’t need all those Zubats, but it’s good to know the option is there. And I see Dratini and a Porygon. Those are RARE! It is Pokemon CITY down here!

Pokemon Lake Inline Image

How long can a normal human go without breathing? OH MY GOD, IT’S A DITTO. THE DITTO DO EXIST IN POKEMON GO, THEY ARE DOWN HERE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS LAKE! Everywhere I step, there’s a new Pokemon. Plus the more steps I take, the further I get away from that super creepy sunken ghost ship.

I need to breathe really bad but I CAN’T STOP CATCHING ‘EM ALL! There are more Pokemon than old rusty cans of Bud Light down here. I’m gonna be LEVEL BAJILLION.

Yes, my phone definitely got a bunch of water in it, and it is broken. It died right as a got a Bulbasaur. Dumb Bulbasaur, I’m blaming this on you!

But it’s all worth it because I’m drowning in Pokemon! And also the lake.

I’m getting a little delirious. Does that fish have a cell phone?! Hey fish, stay away from my Pokemon! Or is that a Magikarp? Is the Magikarp playing Pokemon Go? Woah. Can all the Pokemon breathe down here in the lake? I guess not if I can’t. Am I a Pokemon? Where am I? Who’s president?

Gwynna ForghamThrift is a writer and comedian based in New York City. She writes for UCB’s Maude Night and Reductress, runs the tri-annual one hour Penn Station Area Sketch Festival with the Hubbies, and tweets at @gwynnaft


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