The following is a part of Above Average’s Cheek Week. Click here for more butt stuff.

You’ve finished up in the bathroom, washed your hands, dried them, and now you’re heading out the door. But did you leave something behind?

Yes. You left your butt energy. Then I put my butt right on that toilet seat and I suck your butt energy into my butt. Now I’m full of your butt energy.

You see, your butt is full of energy in the form of heat, but when you sit down, some of that energy gets sucked right into the toilet seat, warming it up like a jelly bean. So whenever you sit down on a warm toilet seat, what you’re feeling is butt energy. That’s free energy!  I keep hearing scientists and politicians talking about an “energy crisis.” What I don’t hear is much talk about wrangling the bounty of butt energy from toilet seats and putting it inside cars. Huh. I guess it’s politics as usual.


This is the world’s greatest untapped resource.

Well I, for one, am not letting seats and seats of energy go unused.

When you peel your butt away from the seat, you stop giving the seat your butt energy and that butt energy starts floating away into the air. This is called butt energy emissions. So to get the maximum amount of your butt energy into my butt, I have to slide my butt onto the toilet seat as soon as possible after you take your butt away. This is called maximum butt energy efficiency. Yes, it’s difficult and socially uncomfortable to climb over you when you’re coming out of the stall so I can get my pants down and press my tushy to the seat, but it’s worth it. For the butt energy.


A butt, pre-transfer, holding energy.

Sometimes I accidentally stumble into butt energy and that’s the best. It’s like finding $20 in an old jacket. I have no idea it’s there, but then I lay my butt flesh onto a warm toilet seat, my whole body goes slack and I go “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHBUTTENERGY”.  Then I shit my brains out.

Why do I collect so much butt energy? For the same reason that you recycle, turn off your lights or take the bus to work: I’m doing my part to preserve this world for your children. Also it feels good. It feels very, very good to squish warm butt into mine and sometimes it makes me go cross-eyed. That’s just the truth. This is called butt energy accidental pleasures. If you happen to like the smell of gasoline while you’re filling up your tank, this is the same as that.

Do you know where you get the best butt energy? The airport.

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