School has been a blast! Right? It’s all nap time and learning to read Dr. Seuss. This feeling of blissful innocence will last forever! WELL, sorry to wet your bed, shit lickers, but you’re in 4th grade now — fun’s over. Things are going to be different. Things are going to get real. Fractions are coming, so get ready to get fucked.

You probably thought counting to 100 was the end of your numbers journey. You probably thought whole numbers were all numbers. Turns out, kiddos, you can put numbers on top of numbers, and that makes a smaller number, not a bigger number. 98/100ths is a fraction and guess what, it’s smaller than 1. Wrap your fruit roll-up brains around that.


You also have to do math with fractions. Good luck.

You also have to do math with fractions. Good luck.

Get ready for all your favorite foods and toys to be used as a demonstration in fractions. A whole pizza pie gets cut up — time to eat, right? WRONG. Time for the teacher to tell you how each piece is 1/8th of a whole pie, all while your slice congeals into a lukewarm mess. I don’t envy the earth-shattering lessons in math/life you’re about to undergo, but I guess we all have to face the music sometime. Just try not to cry too much.

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