Halloween is just a few weeks away, and people are already planning their elaborate costumes. What losers! Everyone knows there’s nothing lamer than trying. But if you have to go to a costume party, here are some easy ideas that say, “I’m too cool to put effort into this.”
“Hello, My Name Is [Blank]”
This one is a classic because it’s cheap, quick, and versatile. All you need is one of those “Hello, My Name Is” stickers and a sharpie marker. Then just write in whatever you want. “God,” “Sexy Nurse,” “Donald Trump”— the possibilities are only limited by how little you care. Stick that thing on your shirt and you’re good to go.
You might think that going as a character from Friends is lame, but a cool person ironically imitating something uncool is very subversive. Your friends will totally get that you’re subtly mocking them for their shitty taste in television. All you have to do is say stuff like “Could this party be any dorkier?” or “Are you trying to bore me with this story?” As a bonus, once people catch on to what you’re doing, they’ll probably stop talking to you, and you can smugly skulk alone in the corner for the rest of the night.
Just Wear All Black
If you’re like most people who think they’re better than everyone, you probably wear all black most of the time anyway. So when people ask you what your costume is, just say you’re a black hole, or Robert Smith, or if you’re feeling extra pretentious, the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Everyone at the party wearing expensive costumes will think you’re being a huge dick, but only because they’re jealous of you.
The ultimate ironic costume is no costume at all. When the host of the party asks where your costume is, just say you’re “someone who forgot it was halloween.” Everyone will be sure to know that you’re above it all.
Whatever “costume” you end up choosing, don’t let this goofy holiday put a damper on your sense of superiority. Remember, it’s not a successful Halloween party unless everyone thinks you’re a smug asshole.