I don’t know if you heard, but I have a Google alert for Rihanna, so I got the exclusive: Rihanna is launching her very own brand of marijuana called “MaRihanna.” Speaking as someone who has always avoided this “gateway drug,” I am torn!

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been around “stoners” before. (My friend Jeff from college was SUCH a stoner. He smoked “weed” at least five times!!! So, I know what I’m talking about.) I just never seriously considered doing “pot.” But now I can’t help but wonder: do you think that if I started smoking MaRihanna, I’d have a shot at getting Rihanna to date me?

Seriously, what do you guys think? Should I get "blitzed?"

Seriously, what do you guys think? Should I get “blitzed?”


I know we’re not cut from the same cloth. I work at Abercrombie and Fitch in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and she works as an international pop sensation and now owner of a famous marijuana company. I am from a typical family of five with normal stuff like two dogs, three cats, and a communal shower. She probably has her own shower! We’re certainly not a match made in heaven.

Still, I can’t help but think – if I started smoking “buds” with her, would there be a love connection?

jay marihanna rihanna

I’ve never looked cooler than this. So like, is it a good idea?

Imagine – I would take out Rihanna in my red Jeep Compass that my mom bought me for my 17th birthday. I’d put on the song “Smoke 2 Joints” by Sublime and from there, we would “light up” a fat “blunt.” Once we were really really “stoned,” I would take her to the most romantic place in Grand Rapids – a dinner cruise aboard the Grand Lady Riverboat which I have visited with my family since age 7. I would point out all of the sites as we “got high” on MaRihanna. It would be really beautiful and majestic.

From there, I would take Rihanna with me back to my house where she would meet Zelda, Pookie, Frenchy, Bells, and Phil, and also my two dogs and three cats! My mom would have made an apple crumble at this point, so we would be really “blazed” and then eat the apple crumble together and giggle a lot, because that’s what my friend Jeff used to do when he would smoke “the reefer.”

My mom's apple crisp is known throughout all of Western Michigan. Image via Shutterstock

My mom’s apple crumble is known throughout all of Western Michigan.
Image via Shutterstock

Eventually, we would excuse ourselves from the dinner table, and go upstairs to the room that I share with Frenchy. This time I’d lock the door, unlike last time when Sarah-Marie who works at Journeys came over. I forgot to shut the door and Frenchy walked in on us!!! It was so embarrassing because we were in the middle of a really intense conversation about whether or not we thought aliens existed and Frenchy definitely thought we were “nerds.”

Rihanna would then probably want to smoke 5 or 6 more “doobies” and I would join her because at this point I’ve smoked a lot of weed, and, Jimeny Christmas, I’m with Rihanna, my dream girl, so why not! We would giggle and kiss gently all night.

I guess now that I think more about it, it doesn’t sound so crazy! I’m going to go find Zelda’s friend Marcus who I heard sells drugs behind the mall and see if I can get some MaRihanna from him right now! Zelda told me he is the best “cook” in the whole state of Michigan which I guess is a reference to getting “baked” on marijuana. Rihanna, here I come!!!

Image via Shutterstock

I love you Rihanna. Also, please don’t tell my girlfriend Sarah-Marie about us. Image via Shutterstock

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