The world is more dangerous than ever. At any given moment, your children are an uber away from getting snatched, cut up, and stuffed in a polyester suitcase. When you lose track of your children, you’ve failed as a parent. And it’s not just the threat of abduction that you should be worried about. To ensure their safety, it’s important to know exactly where your children are getting handjobs at all times.

There are many types of shitty parents. If you attend any of the Merrimack High PTA meetings, you’ll realize that Monica K doesn’t know her daughter is in a study group with math turds. But the worst of all is the shitty parents that don’t even know what vaporwave track their daughter was distracting herself with as her hymen being penetrated for the first time.

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You need to keep tabs on your babies: whether they’re getting nervous handjobs huddled behind a dumpster or giving handjobs in a Studio 54 bathroom stall. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be involved in their early sexual experiences. You just need to know when, where, who, and how they are going on. What kind of shitty mother doesn’t know the exact second their son relieves himself in some inexperienced hands? These are the milestones you’ll be reliving when your children put you in a retirement home.

Next time Molly and Joey say they’re getting finger-banged at Rick’s mansion on Fire Island, make sure they verify with location tags and pictures. That’s the only way to maintain a clear line of dialogue with your children. Otherwise you’re just another sad parent who has no idea when their child is getting hand-rammed in an orifice.

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