I’m sure you’ve heard the expression: Hey, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere! It’s the universal signal for “It’s time to drink”, the logic being that ‘somewhere’ the work day has ended and the evening has begun. This phrase is usually uttered when it’s not 5 o’clock wherever you are. It’s a justification for jollity, for fun. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere…

But where? Where EXACTLY is it 5 o’clock?

Look, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And where there’s a common saying, there’s an historical explanation. Every time a co-worker or blousy aunt remarks, “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” I can’t help but wonder exactly where. Where is it 5 o’clock? Surely this land of perpetual 5 o’clock-ness must exist. And aren’t those who laughingly utter this phrase at all curious themselves? Just where is it always 5 o’clock?

Now, I should say, I’m a person who cannot process the concept or passage of time. I accidentally inhaled two Tic Tacs when I was a child and it very specifically impacted my ability to comprehend the passage of time. When someone is like, “Hold on a sec,” I’m like, “What do you mean?” I once waited 3 hours for a bus only to realize the bus wasn’t coming and I was in a public library. Every time I look in the mirror I scream for a full minute when I see that I am no longer four years old, the age at which I inhaled the Tic Tacs, and instead a 29 year-old woman whose visage is beginning to display the ravages of ceaseless, unyielding time.

Anyway, I’ve made it my mission to find out exactly where on earth it is 5 o’clock. At night, while my co-workers are sipping their happy hour $4 dollar Merlots, I’m researching. The blue glow of my laptop in the darkened office symbolizes my search for the truth, the light: where is it 5 o’clock? One day I’ll know. And perhaps we can all live together in eternal bliss in this land of the perpetual happy hour. Until then, my quest continues.

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