Caution: spoilers ahead!

In light of the recent debate as to whether or not GOT hunk Jon Snow is actually dead, it’s come to my attention that the number of Game of Thrones characters that one might presumably jerk off to has gotten incredibly small. People keep dying and they’re always the hot ones, which is making my GOT viewing experience increasingly jerk-free. I used to be able to settle in on a Sunday night for a solid hour of dragons, political back-stabbing, and rapidly successive orgasms. At this point, I’m lucky if there’s enough blood in my clit for me to remember where it is. Here are just some of the hotties that have been killed off Game of Thrones:

It's getting really hard to jerk off to GOT

Joffrey-Baratheon-12

Some of these jack-stack heroes were classics, like Robb Stark, whose noble birth and star-of-the-Games status made him a great inspiration to spend an evening deep-fingering yourself. A wild card like Oberyn Martell, who humped his way through seven episodes, shooting loads all over King’s Landing, was a natural choice tdire wolfo masturbate to.  Others were less traditional: King Joffrey was good for a feverish, sweaty, angry bout of hate-jerking: the shittier his little sneer, the harder your dick.  If you liked being told what to do, no one was more suited for your yank bank than Ygritte, the red-headed wildling who probably had a bush as mysterious and overgrown as the Haunted Forest. If you heard “you know nothing, Jon Snow,” while you were coming, you’d blow a holethrough your flatscreen. Lady was just a really beautiful wolf, I mean jesus. Look at that coat. You gonna tell me you don’t wanna squirt jizz all over that wolf’s shiny coat? Come on. Theon Greyjoy, aka Reek, isn’t technically dead, but his dick was taken, so jerkiReek-402ng off to him now just feels…wrong. Because, like, you know he can’t jerk off.

 

 


 

 

But don’t worry, there’s a deep, ugly pool of GOT characters left alive to possibly, and I mean if you are desperate, work your way into a boner and try to squeeze out a drop of cum:

It's getting really hard to jerk off to GOT2

Let’s see, who do we have.  Ooh, Sam! Sam likes to read! Sam looks like a hairy baby.  Sam couldn’t get a bucket of water wet. But how about Varys, the weird monk with a waxy white head who’s always sweaty? Doesn’t he make you very horny? Or how about a dragon? You wanna jerk off to a wrinkly old dragon with a boney ass face and talons filled with dragon shit? Of course you don’t.

If Jon Snow is dead, it’s gonna be a long, dry season 6.  These GOT producers better throw another piece of beat meat on the fire because I did not scrounge up an HBOGO password to passively watch TV without fingering my genitals. Winter used to be coming.

Images courtesy of moblog.com, gotham-magazine.com, themarysue.com, fanpop.com, wikia.com, playbuzz.com, winteriscoming.net, funmozar.com, idigitaltimes.com, sharetv.com, youtube.com, previously.tv

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