You’ve seen them everywhere lately, from the runway to the playground; a sleek, futuristic mode of personal transportation that twenty years ago was only science fiction. Rapper Wiz Khalifa was arrested recently for refusing to deboard one at LAX. They’ve got foot grips, a whisper quiet motor, and two wheels.

Wait, two wheels?

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, everyone: cool though it is, this thing is not a hoverboard. It’s a two wheel self balancing smart electric mini scooter.

That’s what Ben was riding when the accident happened, Mrs. Reynolds. A two wheel self balancing smart electric mini scooter. That’s what Ben was on when he reached the bottom of the hill. He didn’t see the car coming around the corner, and there’s no way the car could have seen him. I told the police everything. I saw him on the ground and something was coming out of his ear. I’m so sorry, Mrs. Reynolds. Ben’s my best friend.

Ben’s shoes weren’t tied either. [source:]

I’ll admit that “two wheel self balancing smart electric mini scooter” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue with the ease of “hoverboard,” but it’s just plain incorrect. A hoverboard- by definition- should hover! These things have wheels! I mean, hello? By that logic, I guess a bicycle is a hoverbike too. I guess a Volvo is a hovercar. Its ridiculous!

We’d been drinking beer too, Mrs. Reynolds, and nobody thought to bring a helmet.

The EMTs told me Ben faces months of rehabilitation, and will have to overcome headaches and slurred speech because he hit his head so bad. That’s in addition to the psychological rehabilitation he’ll have to endure as he copes with the scarring on his reconstructed face. How disturbing it will be for him to look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back, his broken mind a prisoner of his battered body.

Look, I love Back To The Future II as much as the next guy, but let’s face it: the technology just doesn’t exist! Let’s all stop pretending, and start calling out the marketers who think millennials are stupid enough to buy anything they push down our throats just because of a pop-culture reference.


I wonder if my friend will remember his favorite movies.

Let’s also explore possible avenues of legal recourse against the scooter’s manufacturer in light of Ben’s accident. I know that I shouldn’t have told the cops it was his fault, Mrs. Reynolds, I was just so scared. Maybe your family can file a suit for emotional distress. “What is the self?” your son will ask God during his painful recovery. “What cruel trick has killed the man I once was?”

Ben will only ask these things if there is no permanent brain damage, of course. I can’t believe this happened. I heard the lady driving the car got a lawyer too.

I implore my fellow nerds to take a stand. The next time you hear somebody bragging about their hoverboard, correct them! Tell them its not a hoverboard, because hoverboards DON’T EXIST. Its a two wheel self balancing smart electric mini scooter- and it has shattered the worlds of two families.

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