When Grey’s Anatomy premiered in 2005, it was a national sensation, but few fans have stuck with it to watch all 13 seasons, which is why I am one of the few people who have not attended medical school, who’s qualified to be your surgeon. I’ve seen it all.

I’m especially qualified if you’re in a real weird medical predicament like only being kept alive by a pole that has impaled you and is connecting you to another person; removing a bomb from heart, or putting a baby’s brains back in its head. I’ve seen all those episodes three times.

Also, I assume nothing. I know that sometimes a patient’s blood is toxic and can cause the surgeons to pass out, other times a patient can have a condition in which they feel no pain. This sort of stuff happens constantly.

Before you ask: I won’t be thrown off if I’m in a plane crash. There have been two major plane crashes on Grey’s Anatomy and several other minor ones. I will expect to be in a plane crash and prepared to do surgery at a moment’s notice on the ground. Or I’ll expect to have surgery performed on me! Either way, I’m ready!

And even if I’m practicing my wedding vows, stuck in an elevator, or in the middle of a mass shooting, I will complete the surgery and you will survive. No medical school could teach you those techniques.

Don’t worry if you don’t survive the surgery, you can haunt the hospital like Izzie’s fiancé Denny Duquette. Or maybe that was a psychotic break Izzie was experiencing? We still need closure on that one.

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