Darling, before we go any further, I have to pause. Katerina, I — what’s that? Call you Dr. Silver Slit? That’s your villain name? Well, that’s quite a…MOUTHFUL. Yes, that was a wry joke. See, soon you will have my penis in your mouth so I made that clever innuendo. I want you to know that I’m handsome AND funny (in a rich guy way). But, before we make love I have to ask: Should I toss a ring on the old spy stick or are you, you know, good?

bond girls

I’ve never not, you know?

Normally I’d just plow right ahead but the last time I visited my willie doctor he diagnosed me with just about every STD known to man (and a few new ones that had mutated in my system). You see, as an international man of mystery I got a lot of tail. And the crack instincts that keep me out of other kinds of physical danger don’t protect me against herpes or chlamydia. So after 40 years of random, unprotected sex I was absolutely crawling with disease. I’ve got those various infections all cleared up but boy did those antibiotics wreck my GI tract.

Also, I was recently contacted by a young woman claiming she and several other youngsters believe me to be their biological father. They’re scattered across the various third-world countries and criminal compounds where I bagged their moms. Apparently there’s a Facebook group of my former sexual partners called “I Boned The Bond” and their children connected in this manner. I’ve had M change my cell phone number so they can’t reach me but I don’t want any other little Jimmys to slip out my jimmy tonight! Yes, another joke.

So, are you, you know? Clean? And chemically infertile? Or should I throw on one of these condoms Q gave me? It’s guaranteed not to break and can also insert a GPS into your uterus if you need that sort of thing. Also, you did just admit that you are a villain and revealed your secret villain name. So after this tickle party, we’re going to have to fight to the death. Nothing personal, love. Just business.


Images via The Daily Record

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