I, Jeff Gordon, have retired from car racing. After a long and rewarding career, I’m ready for the next stage in my life; though I do have some concerns. Mainly, I don’t understand why people aren’t put out to stud.

When championship racehorses retire, they are put out to stud. Which means their primary purpose in life becomes to mate, all day everyday, in the hopes that they’ll breed more championship racehorses. So why don’t we do that with our championship race car drivers too?

I think I’d really enjoy it. But it also makes sense for the greater public. NASCAR is far more popular than horse racing, and if we breed our championship drivers, who knows how popular NASCAR could become!

Jeff Gordon Inline 1

I am so much faster than a horse. American Pharaoh? That horse sucks. The fastest he’s ever gone is 40mph. I routinely broke 160mph. Yet American Pharoah gets to have sex with beautiful horses all the time, and I get what? To spend more time with my family? That’s not what I want!

I want to spend my days having meaningless sex with faceless female after faceless female, only pausing to eat sugar cubes and be told I’m a good boy.

I mean, come on, NASCAR is way more exciting than horse racing. When we crash there’s fire and explosions! When horses crash, there are scared horses.

My car has 1,100 horsepower. It would take more than 1,000 horses to equal my power. I don’t understand why these second rate heroes are getting all the rewards.

It should be me being gently led to a field full of eager females! It should be me who has a designated young man to brush my hair and say “whoa, whoa” when I get angry! It should be me who is applauded for getting strangers pregnant! Not stupid horses!

Jeff Gordon Inline 2

But here I am, letting my incredible racing genes go to the mere two children I had on my own, meanwhile “fast” horses get to mate with choice females until they’re too tired to do anything except lay in the sun and eat all the hay and fruit and chocolate their caretakers can carry. It’s just not fair.

How hard would it be to set me up in a stable with like, couches and a TV instead of horse stuff? And the caretakers could just bring extra fruit and chocolate instead of hay. And I could even help choose the females for me to mate with. I actually think I’d be really good at choosing the females.

Why aren’t we doing everything in our power to ensure that the future of NASCAR is great? Don’t leave it up to chance. For the sake of the sport, put me out to stud. I think my wife will understand. I mean, she’ll have to.

Clara Morris is a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York. Follow her on Twitter @claramorris.

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