The entire world was rocked Tuesday morning when news broke that Angelina Jolie had filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. Naturally, people were looking to Pitt’s ex-flame Jennifer Aniston to see her reaction to this shocking news.

Aniston, whose life was destroyed when Pitt left her for Jolie, was found lounging poolside at her Hollywood mansion, next to current hubby Justin Theroux. “What’s that?” she said, while stroking Theroux’s taut 6-pack. “They’re getting a divorce? Bummer!”

Aniston, who bravely weathered the humiliation of being unmarried well into her 40s, had one of her personal assistants fetch her iPhone. She then proceeded to text Brad a sad emoji to express her condolences- not the crying one, the one that’s kind of half sad, half ambivalent. After handing back her phone, she returned to licking whipped cream out of Theroux’s belly button.

“I just feel terrible,” said the actress wistfully, running a finger through Theroux’s virile chest hair. “But Brad’s a real trooper.”

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