So yesterday morning, I’m in the locker room, thinking about different ways to be a great linebacker for the Jets when I see an amazing opportunity: there he was, an NFL starting quarterback, totally unguarded and vulnerable! As a professional linebacker, my main job is to sack the quarterback but usually I have to contend with his defense. Well there was no defense on Tuesday morning in the sink area, so I went for it! BOOM! I clocked that QB right in the mouth and he was down! A bone-crushing hit and it’s only pre-season!! It almost seemed too good to be true!

Well fuck. Everybody’s super mad at me now!! I turned around to high five the rest of the team but most of them backed away, one guy threw up, and then security came and told me to get my stuff and leave. I kept saying “grab the ball! Grab the ball and run to the endzone!” but nobody even moved. Of course the ref “didn’t see the play because he wasn’t in the locker room because this wasn’t a game and refs don’t share locker rooms with players” which is just like, so convenient.  No one even poured Gatorade on my head. 


I just don’t get it, man. Is this team not committed, 24/7, to being the greatest in the NFL?? I mean, it seems like the Jets, specifically, are just a couple games away from becoming legendary. But you gotta have that killer instinct: your senses have to be heightened, you have to be prepared, at any moment, to capitalize on another player’s vulnerabilities. I haven’t been playing football non-stop, training every single day of my life to make it to the NFL so I could not try my best at every moment. I thought this play would at least get me a Chunky Soup endorsement so me and my mom could be goofs on a commercial set for a day. My agent says that’s a no-go.

This has honestly changed my entire understanding of football. I’m sorta glad I got fired from the Jets because I don’t think I understand how to play with those guys. A lotta people said I should’ve just “taken a deep breath and walked away.” What?? HOW is that gonna help my team to score touchdowns?? Whatever. I guess now that I’m out of a job, I can just play casual scrimmages. Y’know, like at a bar or the parking lot of a bank or with a guy who cuts me off in traffic. I just love this game.

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