Channing Tatum. Taye Diggs. Ryan Gosling. Bill Nye. He’s been on our TV sets for years and he’s never once gotten to publicly explore his sexuality. And we only have ourselves to blame. Haven’t you seen the signs? Yes, he behaves himself during interviews and creationism debates, but you can tell he wants more. It’s a lust in his eyes we’ve smothered for long enough. And that’s on us as a public. Because he’s not just the Science Guy, he’s more than that. He’s a student of the human form. An expert in animal magnetism. An avid swingdancer.

I’m a sex-positive person. I’ve experienced the beauty of opening yourself up to uncharted sexual territory and trust me when I say: we need Bill Nye to be sexual. Just think of the scientific discoveries we’re missing out on because of our own inability to view Bill Nye as the hump-stallion he so wants to be. It’s for the benefit of our genitals, nay: for the benefit of all.

Screen Shot 2015-01-29 at 4.51.53 PM


Re-framing your mindset is going to be difficult at first. It takes time, like the oxidative rusting of iron. But after you do? Oh, William. I’ve already made the mental adjustments necessary to view Bill Nye as a sexual person. It was totally worth it. In my cognitive space, he’s Bill Nye the Science Man.

We’ve let him into our homes. Now it’s time to let him into our minds. In a sexual way. We must raise awareness and allow him to have chemistry with something other than sodium chloride and zinc nitrate. And the only way to make that happen is through a PETITION WE’VE MADE on the Whitehouse.gov website. Please take the time and pass this along to your friends, as this pressing issue cannot be ignored a moment longer.

After all, Bill Nye studies astrophysics for a living. He knows a thing or two about hot bodies in the dark.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.